Thursday, May 04, 2006
Dad. Not sure u will understand what Dad mean. Quite sure you won't get to read this but I was just imagining how it would be like to have a decent conversation with you. To be honest, I don't recall a single meaningful conversation between us. The last time we converse? Should be at Sis's wake when I was 15. That make it 10 years? Not really bother with figures though. Regrets, I had a few in life. One of it is not being able to know you better.
There are just tons of things I want to know about you. Do I really behave like you like what Mum had said. Do I really look like you? Your image in my mind is very hazy. So hazy that I wish I could forget but yet unable to. Why did you chose this path for your life? Throwing away everything good that I think we had done for you.
You are just like a tornado. The debris you had left behind seem to take ages to clear. I thought I had cleared most of it. Some, I am simply powerless to repair. Such as mum's broken heart and distrust in guys, Grandma's longing for you and my hurt from you missing out in ALL the major milestone in my life. Getting good result for my PSLE. You weren't there. Good results for O Levels. You won't there. Feeling the lowest in my life when Grandpa left us. You weren't there. Simply put it. You were never here when we need you. If that's the case, why still remind us of your presence?
We had tried to move on. The gold mine Grandma and Grandpa had built up had all been mined up by you. Mum is left with no retirement fund because of you. I had to suffer ridicule from friends because of you. Had you ever feel guilty or woke up in the middle of night from fear? Fear that you will age alone and die without anyone knowing or giving a damn about it? I don't want to hate you. To hate someone, you must have liked or loved him a lot in the past. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that I did look forward to you encouraging me when I was young. Don't want to be reminded that how I wish to greet you with a loud "Pa Pa" and chatting about everything under the sun with you. Just like all my friends who do so with their Dad.
I won't be bailing you out this time. NO. You got to start growing up. Be mature and be responsible for your own actions. I will also be trying my very best to hide everything from Mum and Grandma. I think they had more than enough from you. I really hate seeing tears from Mum and Grandma.
I really wish you can straighten out your life. You are already 64. Senior Citizen. I don't wish the worst for you. I don't want to see you begging in the streets. I don't want you to comit more and more errors in life. For everyone who cared for you and loved you, you must stand up and fight for your own life like a man. No one owe you a living. Even if they did, they had already paid up their dues. I wish you the best, Dad.
You can take a picture of something you see. In the future where will I be?
11:06 PM
11:06 PM
