Saturday, September 24, 2005
After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
One of my all time favourite quote. This sentence is simple and yet touching. Problem is, you will need tons of courage to say it. Especially in front of that someone you love. Be it a guy or a gal. To be honest, I had never really say the word " I Love you " before. Even to my ex when they were my girlfriend. I might have said it a few times but only when we were together and I did something stupid due to my childish mentality in love. I had always believe that you must be responsible for what you say and do. If you were to just simply say that you love someone to nearly everyone, you will be simply degrading the word "Love" and definitely yourself. Maybe this could be one of the reasons why I suck at relationship. I simply can't make myself to voice out my feelings in front of that someone I like. Shyness? Or simply gutless? Don't think that I have an answer to this question too. Though there had been times that I lived to regret not saying how I felt but I guess I just never learn.
"What do you want in life?" One of the questions my new boss had asked me on my first day of work. Is it money? Glory? Personal satisfaction or simply trying to make a living in this crazy world? I thought that I had wanted all the riches in the world. But after thinking through, I realized later that this is just too shallow. How can all the riches in the world make me happy when I don't have a happy family and great friends by my side? Who do I want to be? A regular employee going through the motion of life and work so as to get a paycheck come end of the month. Even though not really liking what I am doing but having to do it cause of the paycheck? Or do I want to be an employer? If I do want to be an employer, what form of business do I want to venture in? Service provider or retail or F&B? All this questions keep bumping around in my head.
I began to realize that my primary motivation in life now is me and my mum. I am selfish. In a sense that I want the best for my mum to make up for all the shit that she had went through bringing me up. I also want the best for myself for all the shit that I had went through. All this had kinda make me confused on what I really like doing the most. I do like doing sales but is it my favourite job? Or am I doing this cause it can be a good paying job if I work hard? Careful reflection make me realize that this might not be the case. I had always wanted to be either a journalist or policeman when I was young. Got to give up the dream of being a policeman due to my color blindness and my mum. She hated the idea of me being a policeman, Well, maybe that's because I am her only son and she don't want anything bad happening to me. As for being a journalist, I had to give up the idea of enrolling into a JC cause I thought at that point of time that I will not have enough money to see myself through University. This is a decision that I still regret deeply now. I can't turn time back but what I can do now is to try my best in sales. To be honest, it is a good and high paying job or a sucky and lowpaying job depending on how you do it. I will have to make sure it is a good and high paying job. I will need the money to further my studies in the field of Mass Communications. Bread might be important but I think I will still opt for my dream at the end of the day. I want to study and this will be my primary motivation now. Of course I will still work hard for my mum cause I love her too much. Again, I dare to say it here but you will never catch me saying this in front of her.
Lastly, I will be needing help from whoever is reading this. Kindly stop all your invitations to me for going to a pub or club. I am drinking more and more and I am beginning to hate myself for doing this. One of the things I hated about my dad was his drinking but seems like I had gotten his genes in this. Both he and my mum were good drinkers. Good thing about my mum is that she knows how to control and she had given up on the bottle for so many years now. Not sure how that guy is faring but I am sure he might just be drinking away as I am typing this. Don't wanna end up like him.
Drinking also make me say and do silly things. Some of the things I do and words I say are totally not me. It makes me feel as if I am baring out my whole soul. This thought alone is scary enough. I might have done something damaging without myself realizing it. I need a break from drinking. The longer the better.
Love knows nothing of rank or river bank.
Love denied blights the soul we owe to God.
I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that... over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play.
You can take a picture of something you see. In the future where will I be?
7:11 PM
7:11 PM
