Thursday, October 07, 2004
Life is full of surprises. It never fail to amaze me or surprise even after my 24 years of existence. The day today started bad. Real Bad. I overslept as usual and ended up being late at work. I mean this ain't such an big issue. I am always late but it is something that my manager said that really got on my nerves. He was introducing a new adviser to all of us. This ain't any big announcement cause I had seen 5 or more new advisers coming in and leaving the business in less than 3 months. But as he was introducing him to all of us, he advised him to learnt from the more experienced and hardworking advisers which is fine to me as I had always wanted to learn from the best too. What got on my nerves was when he said that he mustn't be like some advisers who after 5 or 6 months in the business is still earning only $500 or $600 of basic pay. The moment that sentence came out, it stings. I know he is definitely aiming for me and I am fine with that low blow. What makes me piss is that he had knew that for this year, most of the adviser had fuck up production. They were just lucky they got a fantastic previous year to back them up. A lot of the advisers who had even bother turning up for this meeting was earning less than 1K per month but does this make us less of a person?? I mean I admit that there are times when I do slack but why the hell will I slack till I am earning peanuts and not even enough for me to spend?? I am sure the rest of the advisers who are in the same predicament as me want to succeed and is working hard towards that goal too. I mean who of sane mind will be happy with $500 per month? If they wanted to give up, they would have throw in the towel long ago and not bother to turn up for so many meetings which to me is more or less waste of my time. Damn it. The fact that they are staying on for the battle means that they still have the stomach and appetite for the fight. It is a war which they want to win and this goes to me too. I am not a quitter, never am and never will.
I left the office ASAP after the meeting. Got to admit today meeting was constructive which itself is an acheivement. Rushed off to meet Kenn and was in a foul mood. Things turn better when we had some good news coming in and my prospect even messaged me to tell me she is meeting me. I was more of less thinking that since my day had already started bad, more or less she will give me a plane again like all my prospects did. Had a great chat with her. She do seems interested in saving for her retirement. But from there it all went downhill.
Received a call from my niece, Joelin. She is a nice girl and I felt really sorry that I couldn't spent more time with her than I want to. Anyway, she told me that my grandma was warded in SGH. I was so shocked to hear that cause the last time my grandpa went to a hospital, it was also the last time I saw him. Till this day I still miss my grandpa. I was so close to him and for me to be the one who convinced him to go to the hospital which led to his death, had been haunting me till now. It was supposed to be a routine checkup cause he had an infection growing on his leg. He need to be warded for a few days so that the doctor can monitor how he is going to be. It all went wrong when he choked on his lunch. Till this day I had a phobia for hospital and even hated nurses at a point of time. I mean he had never ever choked before at home and to know that he had choked in the hospital is some sort of a sick joke for me. I was supposed to visit him that day in the morning but I overslept. How I wish I never did. He went into a coma as a result of that choke and only passsed away after close to 3 months. I was in pain throughout that period as he never responsed to my call when I visited him. He will always reply me when he hear my call cause there are always just the two of us at home. Sounds pathetic right? To see him lying down there at the bed motionlessly but still breathing really make my heart hurts till this day. He was really that close to me. I visited him everyday during that period though I knew that deep in my heart, he might never ever wake up again. I can feel that he knows that I am there by his side and he can hear whatever I am saying. It was the first time in my life that I felt so helpless. Seeing someone who had taught me the ropes of life for 21 years just lying down there wasting away. In a way I also felt glad that he finally passed away. Cause the longer he stayed in a coma, the longer the pain will be for him and my family. I haven't felt so insecure for a long time since then. Today it is starting to come back to me again. I know that my grandma will leave me sooner or later but just don't let it be in the same manner as my grandpa.
Anyway, she is having fever due to infection of her chest. I really hope that she can recover cause she had went through a lot of hardship without enjoying any fruits of labour before. All thanks to that useless son of her who is my Dad. I used to dislike him. After seeing my grandma in the hospital tonight,I am starting to hate him and despise him. I am really down now. Kenn,I understand how you felt when you said you have no one to celebrate with you. At least you are better off than me. How I wish at that time that there will be someone holding my hands tight giving me encouragement. Just in a realy down mood. Can't believe I am typing all this out either. Anyway,I am sure I will be back to the cheerful me again tomorrow. I had seen storms that are worse than this. But for today, just let me wallow in self pity.
You can take a picture of something you see. In the future where will I be?
1:16 AM
1:16 AM
